Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I realized the other day while driving Little Clover to a game that loving your child is enough. After my mom died, one of the biggest regrets I had was that I didn't show my love for her enough. There was more I could have done. I could have been nicer to her while I was a teen. I could have said "I love you," to her more. I could have called more. I could have talked to her more. I could have hugged her more. I could have done all those things and it still wouldn't be enough, because after you lose someone, all you think about is what you don't have anymore and there is this gap that stays behind for a while.
Being a mom, though, has brought me the realization that my mom had enough. She loved me with all her heart and that is all she needed. That's why I remember the special smile she had just for me. Italian calls it the "Mommy glow." I know that the love she felt for me is pretty darn similar to the love I feel for Little Clover. I love him enough for the both of us. My love for him is enough especially for me. Do I want him to love me back? Of course I do, but I don't need it. Feeling how much I love him makes me immensely happy. Being able to show him my love makes me happier still. The rest, his hugs and kisses, are an added bonus. I have enough.
I actually wrote the above paragraphs several months ago and was waiting for the right time to post it. Today, my mom's birthday, seemed to be the right time.
When March hits, her birthday enters my mind and I usually begin to miss her and become quite sad. This year, though, whenever I thought about her birthday, I found myself getting excited and looking forward to it. I miss her still, but it has been different. Her birthday is seeming more like a celebration. It is a special time for me to remember her and be thankful for the time we had together. I can still feel her love for me and as I look around, I see small things that remind me of her. I've seen four leaf clovers everywhere, birthday cards in people's cubicles today, and even a bright seven color rainbow. It's as if with every little sign, she's saying hello in her special way and reminding me that she loved me enough. I love her back and I think she knew.