Thursday, October 21, 2010


From Irish Clover

Last night, our family lost our little pet guinea pig, Jellybean. He had gotten very sick and the vet did not give us a positive prognosis. I made the difficult decision to let him go so that he didn't die alone at the animal hospital in the middle of the night, but instead, would be with us when he passed.

As a mother, this has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. My little guy's heart was broken and his pain was one I could do nothing about. He was filled with guilt, thinking he hadn't taken care of his pet and he was responsible. He was filled with remorse at not spending enough time with Jellybean while we had him. He became angry that God would take Jellybean so early in life.

This is the dark side of loving. It is much easier to lose something when one is not as invested. To love means to feel the pain of loss, and it is a deep aching pain. Seeing my son in a pain I could not alleviate broke me. A part of me wishes I could spare him from feeling this type of pain ever again, but I can't, no mother can, nor do I really want to. To keep him from feeling the deep aching pain of loss would also mean keeping him from the deep joys of love and I would never want him to miss the warmth of feeling love for something and to have the love returned.

1 comment:

Diane said...

Max's favorite dog fell off his bunk when Max was about 6 or 7 years old. Herniated discs. Her walking was wobbly, she got worse. She had to be babysat by my mother while I was at work. One day she couldn't even old up her head. The vet said it was a Dachsund back problem and not caused by the dog "falling" off the bed, but the reverse. That disc had ruptured and she couldn't keep herself ON the bed. As she got worse, and when we finally decided as a family one night that the next day we would release her, Max stepped up. He asked to hold her as she got the injection. He sobbed uncontrollably. I tear up thinking about it. He has faced death honestly since he was 2 when his great grandmother died, but he feels it deeply. I don't think he has ever loved another dog like he loved Cutie. I found condolence cards in the scrapbook just a few weeks ago. Cards that family and my co-workers had sent to him.
We can't spare them, we can love and support them through it. And cry with them, and hold them while they cry, and cry at night while they sleep because it happened. Saying a little prayer for everyone.